Hi-vis jackets at the door, that means a slam in the face normally, I pause though, door ready, and listen to their anxious-sounding spiel: 'We're from United Utilities,' I frown and swing the door a little, 'The Water Board!' they shout. Maybe I look old enough to use the term 'The Water Board', like my parents? Anyway, they want to test my water, intrigued I let them in and watch as they clean my taps and get out lots of sterile bottles and small machines. 'Just routine,' says the woman to me, 'nothing to worry about. We just randomly test water to make sure there are no problems!' She pours water into a test tube and adds three drops of something, it turns pink, she frowns and they mumble to each other. I cough, 'Of course, that WOULD be the cover story if you were testing for a lethal pathogen you accidentally released into the water.' I pause, 'I've seen films.' I say. They stare at me and glance at each other with a worried look. 'All fine!' she beams and they hurry out. Now I'm really not thirsty.