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I don't often lie but for Samuli I felt it best. 'What does the average English person know about Finland?' he asks. I disguise my panic with a long drink of the local 6.5% loopy juice wheat beer that cost only 7.50 Euros a pint. We're in an 'Irish bar'. 'Well,' I begin slowly, 'to be honest, not a great deal.' Now I switch to lies. 'We know that the capital is Helsinki,' Samuli nods, 'that Moomins are from here,' more nodding. 'And...' (and this is perhaps pushing it too far) 'The more educated people know about Marimekko* of course.' He stares at me. Too much? 'Is that ALL?' he asks. His girlfriend now comes over and asks where I'm from. 'Lancaster, England.' I tell her. She looks blank for a moment and then says, brightly, 'I've been to Ireland.' 'Almost the same place,' I tell her. She says that when she arrived (in Northern Ireland it turns out) she thought everyone was speaking Irish as she couldn't understand them, but it turns out it was English after all. 'After one month, if they spoke really, really slowly, I could just about understand them. They celebrated when I could.' She looked at her feet, 'I'd studied English for ten years before I went there.' At this point their friend, Tero, comes over. He's a big chap. 'Do you like Europe?' he asks me. I figure this is a trick question but then, to my horror, he indicates his t-shirt, which shows the Swedish Rock band Europe that you might remember from such hits as 'Final Countdown'. 'Oh. Err. I. Well. Yes.' He smiles. 'We are going to heavy metal karakoe across town, you come with us, yes?' (*Finland is designed by an insidious organisation called Marimekko. They control the visual appearance of every single thing in the country.)